On Showing Fear

Showing fear in certain confrontations. I have done it. I see it in myself. Yet I can also see that among average humans I'm not a total coward. I've been in typical fights in school days and didn't make a bad showing. I was aggressive in sports. But I definitely began to show fear in certain confrontations once I started to separate from life. Like, the kind of visual fear that makes people accuse you of being a coward. Here's how I look at it, and this isn't justifying anything.

I think when you get into Man #4 ground you are an extreme in the human community. And you are in a more dangerous situation. Spiritually. So confrontations mean more for you. Because everybody - the General Law - is against you. Nobody really is pulling for you or on your side. So you become aware that if you make a mistake you can get yourself in a bad situation (like prison).

So in those flash moments when you show fear you are really showing fear of the potential disaster that can happen to you in that moment. I mean, I've been in states where I could just kill everybody. That is as extreme as being in the rare altitude of real development. So, because I don't want to kill everybody, each little confrontation has more potential for disaster for me, so I flinch and blanche (is blanche a word?) and hesitate, and sometimes literally freeze, physically.

That is higher will keeping me from a stupid temptation and stupid personal disaster in confrontation with the General Law. And I just have to swallow the fact that the witnesses see "cowardice." It IS to them, anyway. But to me it's me not wanting to kill everybody. It's me recognizing a dangerous situation (dangerous for me specifically in a spiritual sense) and backing away from it.

Does that sound like justification? Because I just started seeing it that way. I was just thinking I'd become a coward. But the pattern over time began to say something to me. It occured with people like one of my sisters who it's ridiculous to think I'd be a physical coward against. The incidents were just me moving towards a bad event and me stopping in my tracks, literally in FEAR of "going there." Because of the consequences.

It's the old connection between the artist and the criminal. You can veer towards one extreme from the other. I can truly develop and be in strange ground or I can veer into kill everybody violent chaos. Because I have enough control I don't do that. But "some" events or incidents seem to have more meaning, or more potential for getting me into bondage to the General Law and it's specifically those events and incidents that I had these unique psychological and physical reactions just at the point of possible confrontation.

I havn't had one lately, which is maybe why I can see it now more objectively, and see what was maybe occuring in those events.

And the accusations of cowardice are just ridiculous usually anyway, because nobody for the record is actually challenging me. (They sense the kill everybody potential in me.) It's more of the typical taunting you get from the massed General Law. They feel safe because of their numbers against you. It's healthy for me because it kills vanity. In fact, like I said, before I began to see it as I've described it here I was just accepting of the fact that I seem to be a coward.